Post-Mortem

an evaluation of how well Thea and I did prognosticating Dragula

Longtime readers will remember way back in October how the lovely and talented Thea helped me compile a list of how we thought this season of Dragula was going to go, complete with our best guess of the finishing order. See below:

So how did we do? Do we know what we’re talking about, or were we completely full of filth? Since sufficient time has passed after the airing of the finale, we’ll go ahead and reveal everything. If you have an interest in the show and haven’t seen who won by now, that’s on you. We’ll go competitor by competitor, taking what we thought was going to happen and comparing it to what actually transpired. Spoiler alert: we did pretty poorly! Along the way, we’ll give our utterly uniformed opinions about who out-punted their coverage, who stumbled, and who had no business on the show in the first place. Join us, won’t you?

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11th Place: Jay Kay Onyx Ondyx

Track Record: 0 wins, 1 low, 1 bottom

Our prediction: Eighth

LK: Onyx had all the tools to be successful in this show, from her signature “satanic showgirl” look that straddled the line between glamour and horror to the off-the-wall humor she demonstrated in the boudoir. Unfortunately, there seemed to be something holding her back leading her to finish last (after the frustrating Jay Kay fakeout elimination). The Boulets hinted on their podcast Creatures of the Night that several contestants this year seemed to lack confidence, whether because of a fundamental anxiousness with the television medium or because they were fearful of the repercussions of going “all out” with either their looks or their behavior towards other contestants. They strongly implied that it dawned on Onyx at the end of her last floorshow that she had blown it, but it was too little too late. Good on her for making strides on her own gender identity journey, though.

10th Place: Satanna

Track Record: 0 wins, 1 safe, 2 bottoms

Our prediction: Eleventh

LK: Satanna continues the trend of unrealized potential and seeming trepidation, which will become a recurring theme in this series. What’s worse for me is that she’s worked on the Dragula set before as a crew member, so she knew exactly what the Boulets were looking for. As good as the majority of her looks came out, her performances were lifeless and lacking. When it came time for the Haunted Hotel floorshow, her costume was just a touch too low-rent in comparison to everyone else’s. Honestly, that might have been my favorite theme of the season, in part because of Throb and Jarvis. Satanna’s other flaw besides uninspiring runways was her picking fights and trying to grab attention in the boudoir, but she couldn’t hold a candle to either Jay Kay or Cynthia Doll in that regard.

9th Place: Jarvis Hammer

Track Record: 0 wins, 3 safes, 1 bottom

Our prediction: First

Thea: JARVIS [middle name] HAMMER.

Seriously though, Jarvis just couldn’t get their momentum going. We had such high hopes. You were our top pick! Why did you do this to us?! Okay, dramatics aside, we really did expect him to go a lot farther than he did. During The Last Supper reunion episode, he discussed how his anxiety came to a head and he just couldn’t shake the funk. I totally understand that. As much as I hated watching him get eliminated, I think his death scene was the best of the season. It told a whole story that happened to match his character. I can’t wait to see more of his ghostly antics in the future. I don’t think this’ll be the last time we see Jarvis on the Boulets’ stage…

8th Place: Anna Phylactic

Track Record: 0 wins, 2 safes, 1 low, 2 bottoms

Our prediction: Second

LK: Everything I wrote about Onyx Ondyx goes double or triple for Anna Phylactic. I was personally disappointed at her inability to finish the deal on pretty much all of her looks. It seemed like she was unsure of herself as a performer, as a creator, and as a personality on television. Was it a cultural thing? Are the British really that different? Given that two of the finalists were from outside of the United States, I’m not sure that holds water. Regardless, what appeared on the screen was unformed, incomplete, or poorly thought out. Looking at her social media or her online presence painted a very different picture, and our expectations were high going in. They say there are no second chances to make a first impression, and I’m afraid she may have tarnished an otherwise sterling reputation as an artist.

7th Place: Jay Kay (for real this time)

Track Record: 1 win, 1 high, 1 safe, 3 bottoms

Our prediction: Fourth

Thea: Hot take - I really like Jay Kay. They brought exactly what I wanted to the stage, plus tons of drama. There was so much Jay Kay hate, and I ate it up. I know the Boulets gave them crap about how all their looks looked crafty and homemade, but I really liked that aspect. It shows that you don’t need a ton of money to make great looks. Jay Kay’s looks are accessible. Plus I didn’t see the Boulets call out anyone else for looks made mostly out of paper and tape (cough-Orkgotik-cough). My favorite look was by far the bellhop for the Haunted Hotel challenge. It brought some much-needed humor and campiness into the show. I can definitely see a Titans run in their future.

6th Place: Cynthia Doll

Track Record: 0 wins, 1 high, 4 safes, 2 Bottoms

Our prediction: Tenth

Thea: It’s time to pay hummus to the fungus that is Cynthia Doll. She was the meme girl. Always quotable. Always down for everything that came her way. I really enjoyed her floorshows, but she could never get over the hump that was Nio/Ork/Throb. If there’s ever another Exorsister, I think Cynthia would be a great candidate. She had the best one-liners ever:

"I don't know my lefts and rights, and I'm gay... so that doesn't help."

"A cube is a circle, right? A half a circle, so like a circumference?"

But unfortunately we had to say…

5th Place: Fantasia Royale Gaga

Track Record: 1 win, 4 safes, 1 low, 2 bottoms

Our prediction: Third

LK: The story for Fantasia from the first episode was “does she have what it takes to become a supermonster?” Given her performance, I think the answer was a resounding “no”. Every one of her looks was rooted in either the traditional glamourous queen aesthetic or, frankly, poorly executed camp. I still have nightmares about that horrendous snake costume, and not in the way she was intending. That begs the question, though: does she belong on the other show? I don’t think so, mainly because the quality of craftsmanship has risen considerably in recent years (beginning roughly with All-Stars). Fantasia’s looks don’t have the television polish that stands out beyond the average “bar queen”. Is this too harsh? Probably. I was thoroughly disappointed with her as a performer as well, as I thought she didn’t have the stage presence necessary to captivate an audience at a distance. A prime example was her Monsters of Rock entry where she looked so out of place it was almost tragic.

Runner-Up (tie): Blackberri

Track Record: 1 win, 2 highs, 3 safes, 1 low, 1 bottom

Our prediction: Ninth

Thea: Bearded big girl love!

Blackberri was so good. I would have been super happy if she had won. She unfortunately lacked the filth that was needed to take the crown. The Boulets always referred to her as a “drag queen”, something they didn’t say about any other contestant. I think that’s on purpose. Blackberri’s looks are always so clean and put together. Nothing is ever out of place… almost (we see you, possum nose). I think that’s her downfall. Take her horror finale look.

This had the potential to be terrifying. But it’s too pretty. The skin pieces don’t look like skin. The cuts are too clean. The skin isn’t bloody. The blood that she does have is rhinestones (an ode to her pageant days, but still). Her shoes are pristine. It’s almost there.

Runner-Up (tie): Orkgotik

Track Record: 2 wins, 3 highs, 1 low, 2 bottoms

Our prediction: Seventh

LK: Let me begin by saying that Orkgotik is a talented artist. His ability to develop grotesque and horrific looks is truly inspirational given that he is far from home, on a limited budget, and working at a language disadvantage. That being said, after the first three floor shows where he used the same exact materials to showcase three incredibly similar looks, the gimmick wore a little thin. By the end of the season when his looks were all variations of the plastic-and-latex that we’d seen over and over, it was almost parodical. I understand having consistent branding, but this was beyond the pale. It’s even more frustrating given that the last outfit of the season (his potential coronation look) was radically different and interesting. I was disappointed with Orkgotik from an artistic standpoint, not even getting into how the show’s narrative focused on the showmance between him and Niohuru.

Runner-Up (tie): Throb Zombie

Track Record: 1 win, 4 highs, 2 safes, 1 bottom

Our prediction: Sixth

Thea: [insert guttural noise here]

THROB.

I’m gonna say it: Throb was robbed. His looks were consistently great and on theme (check out the Trashcan Children look above). The thought and craftsmanship for every look is above and beyond. If I have to fault him for one thing, it’s his love of a trick. Almost every single gag failed to deliver completely, and I think it’s that little thing that made him lose the chance at the crown. (That and the blatant Nio bias from the Boulets, but I digress). Throb was and is AMAZING. I can’t wait to see what he does next.

Winner: Niohuru X

Track Record: 2 wins, 4 highs, 2 bottoms

Our prediction: Fifth

For better or for worse, this was the season of Niohuru. The entire storyline centered on two things: Jay Kay being annoying and Niohuru’s personal life. Once Jay was eliminated (the second time), the narrative was focused solely on Niohuru’s performance. There are a handful of issues with that from a production standpoint. One, she’s simply not as compelling a story as is needed to carry the show. On a personal level, her personality is not that engaging. The Nio/Ork banter is lightweight and at least entertaining, but that’s not why we watch Dragula. Second, Niohuru’s looks vastly outstrip her performance skills. Since she’s taken the crown, we’ve read many reports of her sleepwalking through appearances on drag shows nationwide, and that’s consistent with how her floorshows were portrayed. Third and perhaps most importantly, there is considerable evidence that she has not been the nicest person when it comes to respecting personal boundaries. At the outset of the season those allegations came to light in a big way, but there were rumblings years ago that her behavior was unbecoming of a champion. Whether wrong or right, she is the winner of Season Five, complete with bloody coronation.

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That’s all from us this week. Tune in two weeks from now to see my next piece. I’m undecided on which direction to take, so I’m open to suggestions from my readers. Hit me up in the comments or on social media to give me ideas on what you want to see. For more from Thea, please check out her newsletter and give her a follow. I know some of the things she’s working on and they’ll be worth your time.